What if I'm the problem?
Before I can tell you how I found my focus, I want to share some serious self-reflection I had to do this year. I'll be the first person to point out my flaws — believe me, I'm aware of them and while I can't change overnight, I work on being the best version of myself every day. Don't worry, I can also point out all the ways I'm awesome — cause I am.
But the reality is that I needed to dig deep to figure out why I couldn't be more consistent with this writing thing. I mean, don't I want to?
Enter Miss Taylor Swift and her famous lyric, “it's me, hi, I'm the problem, it's me”, cause yes, I am indeed the problem.
Why do I complain so much?
I don't know when exactly it started, but recently, I became aware of just how much I complain. I complain when it's hot, when it's cold, when it's raining and even when it's not. There's always something to complain about.
I asked Google “why do we complain” and it said, People may complain to get empathy. This makes us feel less alone in our struggles. Expressing complaints can sometimes help release pent-up stress and frustration, providing a temporary sense of relief, and is a way to express negative emotions when we feel overwhelmed.
Yes! Bring on the pity party! I mean, I'm gonna deal with the thing anyway — I just wanna have my say about it first.
I also think that I complain to deflect attention from my joy. Joy is incredibly vulnerable for me because I'm scared that if I show how much I love something, it could be taken away. (Deep, right? I'm learning about myself as I write this post.)
Take boxing, for instance.
- I signed up at a boxing gym.
- I upgraded to include 9 private coaching sessions per month.
- I said to my coach on day 1, “train me how you would a young boy/girl just getting into boxing with the goal of being a professional boxer”.
- I bought a punching bag for home.
- I show up a minimum of 5 days a week to train, pushing myself to failure in every session.
- And I love every minute of it.
In the 7 months that I've been training at this level, I've lost 10 kgs, gained some serious muscle, increased my strength, and become super fit. I can even pass for a boxer.
Yet, I complain the entire time. “That's too heavy!” “My arms can't anymore.” “My legs are finished.” “Why are you being mean?” “Today I'm gonna die.”
Limiting Beliefs
Besides the “woe is me” aspect of complaining, I'm also limiting myself. When I say “it's too hard” my brain doesn't know the difference between a thought and an action. It just tells my body not to bother, essentially making it even harder. Of course, because I don't do things in moderation, I let these limiting beliefs creep into many aspects of my life.
Years ago, I ran a glass and aluminium business with my then husband. Following our divorce, I needed to re-enter the job market. It had been nearly 10 years since I was formally employed. At the age of 27 I was the managing director of a clearing and forwarding company, followed by a couple of years as a management consultant. I went into struggling companies, did a thorough due diligence on their operation, and came up with a strategy to ultimately make them more profitable. I knew my shit.
But as I applied for jobs, I didn't recognise the value of running my own business too. Recruiters were telling me that I'm not a good fit to work for someone else after so many years and that I didn't have any formal qualifications. Even though I was badass, I forgot for a minute and listened to them. It led to me taking a PA role just to get back into the market, intending to work my way up. I started over at the age of 41.
This is it?
[Cue the existential crisis, stage left.]
Years of hustling, working my way back up and, as always, on this healing journey, I took stock one day of my life and went... This is it?
I have the house, a car, pay my bills, go to gym, pretty much have what I need and want so... This is it?
I would rather not be an MD or top-dog again. Post cancer, I value quality of life more. I want to have a balance between what I have to do and want to do so... This is it?
While I'm comfortable, I have to keep working past 65 to maintain this lifestyle (who is the fucker that decided we wanted this in the first place?). Unless I win the lotto or marry rich (um, no) my financial situation is unlikely to change drastically (limiting belief right here) so... This is it?
Control Freak
When you're a child in an unstable, abusive environment, you tend to cling to control as an adult. It means that everything I do I want to do MY way. I want others to do it MY way. I want them to not mess it up. I want every step to go perfectly. I freak out when I'm even slightly inconvenienced or set off course.
That's just work. At home, it shows up in having to keep the house clean all the time, and having to always be productive (to be worthy).
This is called anxiety, and I had it pretty bad. My therapist suggested a little bit of help. 2 months in she asked for feedback and I said, “Well I feel like I've lost my sense of urgency. Like I don't need to clean the dishes right away anymore, or have to clean all the time, or work non-stop or at a frantic pace. I feel kinda too laid back now.”
She responded, “Is it a lack of urgency or perhaps an appropriate amount of urgency for things that don't really matter?” Well, damn.
AuDHD
It's worth mentioning that being neurodivergent with Autism and ADHD makes me awesome in so many ways (don't be jealous) but it comes with challenges too. In terms of problems, these are the most significant:
- The lack of focus or hyper-focus, especially when you don't get to choose which shows up.
- Having task paralysis when there's a long to-do list that instead of getting anything done, nothing gets done.
Maybe I can be the solution too
If this has been the status quo for a lifetime, what's to say I can change anything now? What do I have to do differently? As the saying goes, insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.
Getting Organised
I love stationery. I'm still a pen and paper girl before I type anything up. Naturally, given the chance to get creative with my daily tasks, was right up my ally. I used one of my doom-scrolling sessions to dive deeper into bullet journals and using them effectively. I found a way to break up my day with sections of what I would like to achieve in the various areas of my life — work, writing, social media, etc. The intention is that I have options — if one thing isn't grabbing my focus, something else will. I tick off tasks without feeling overwhelmed. When I prep my 2026 diary, I'll do a video of the process and share it to my Instagram.
I also finally relinquished control of cleaning my house and got a helper. She's sent from the Gods!
The 3 Rules to Live By
I came across this TEDx talk by Michael Brody-Waite and it resonated because I already do steps 1 - Be your authentic self, always, and 2 - Do the uncomfortable work. These I've got down. What I struggled with was step 3 - Surrender the Outcome. Remember the control-driven anxiety? Well, with that little help, this step became a bit easier. If I show up 100% as me, and do the work to the best of my ability, then the outcome doesn't matter anymore. What will be will be. And every so often, what we thought we wanted wasn't meant for us, but what we got instead was even better.
Discipline
I've heard many times that motivation doesn't matter — you need discipline. I was stuck in the “but I don't wanna” line and didn't get it. Then boxing came into my life and it clicked. Yes, I love training and putting in the work, but some days I just don't wanna. Discipline means I show up anyway. And I've never been sorry. Yes, sometimes I push so hard I want to cry or vomit or both, but the rewards far outweigh the struggles.
I'm applying this same discipline to everything else in my life and have found a balance that gives me peace. My discipline comes with grace. On the days I can show up fully, I do. On the days I can't, I have a “I showed up” version of what I want to achieve. For instance, instead of writing for a full hour, 10 minutes of jotting down my ideas is just as good.
Visualisation
I have this super awesome life coach that gets me. Whenever I struggle with a concept or start the negative “I can't...” talk, I apply the visualisation technique he's taught me. I even use it with boxing, imagining what it looks like doing the combo perfectly. My brain doesn't know the difference. The practice in my head is the same as if my body was doing it. Then, when I'm with my coach, I can execute it because I already “know” how.
This is it!
My childhood shaped me and without any real parenting or family structure, I've often sought external validation to determine my worth. (I'll probably go into more detail on this in future posts, but for now, this is all that needs to be said.) It's taken me this long to realise I have everything I need within me. Anything anyone else brings to my table is in addition to and not instead of. I am enough. I didn't get here overnight, though — it took lots of therapy, self-learning, being brutally honest with myself, and learning to love me before anyone else. I am the love of my life. And by learning to love myself in this way, I am ensuring that no one ever again loves me less than I deserve.
That love shows up in how I have built the life that I always dreamed of, that I have worked my whole life for. I love my quirky, comfy home, I have a super cool car — she's gangsta but also pink, everything I need and want, a job that pays for it and I get to write. This isn't about gratitude — we're old friends. It's about perspective, and how I show up for myself. One of the biggest lessons I've learned on my journey, is that, despite everyone else not showing up for this little girl, I became the person she deserved all along.
I might still complain now and then (my coach would love for me to get this one right), but I am working on allowing my joy to rise above the discomfort. Let 'em try to take it away from me. I know how to box!