Resilience. It’s a word I’ve heard many times in my life. I’ve been told I have plenty of it. Without it, I wouldn’t have survived so many of the situations life has thrown at me — or at the very least, I wouldn't have come out the other side in my current state. I’d be a lot more broken, physically and mentally.

Resilience isn’t something I ever consciously strove for. I never intended for it to be a central theme for nearly five decades. Yet here we are.

In my head, every time I persevered through a tough situation, it wasn’t a choice. At least, I didn’t see it as one. I had to get through it. Full stop. Wallowing, crumbling into a heap, giving up, or waiting for some imaginary knight in shining armour were never options on the table.

Without knowing it at the time, I was the knight. I was always it.

Naturally, I spent a big part of my life looking for someone else to take the reins — to save me, to care for me, to love me, to fight for me. I made plenty of mistakes based on that hope. But once I finally figured out that it had to be me, I realised I had been doing the job all along.

I remember a friend a few years back who offered zero support while I was going through a brutal time. She literally said to me: “You’re the one who is supposed to be strong here, you don’t get to be having a hard time.”

Just because I always get through things doesn’t mean it was ever easy. And just because no one was consistently there for me doesn’t mean I didn’t need a shoulder to cry on or a friend to lean on now and then.

Sometimes resilience smells like resentment to me.

Why do I always have to be the one to figure it out? Why can’t I just curl up in the fetal position in the corner and cry? Why doesn’t someone else step in and carry the mental load for five minutes?

Other times, I’m driven by that same resilience, knowing I’ve made it this far because my track record for getting through the impossible is still standing at 100%.

At the end of the day, resilience is embedded in my character. It’s part of my identity, and I don’t know any other way. I no longer look around waiting for someone to step up.

I’m going to feel every single bit of it. But I won't let any of it stop me from moving forward.

Resilience is the foundation I’ve built everything else on. It’s guaranteed. It’s the vital ingredient in the secret sauce that makes me ME.

Photo credit: @mandysteenkampphotography