How well do you understand yourself?

Every day I learn something new about me. I’m open to it. I notice things. I see it as something similar to the good and the bad angels sitting on my shoulders, but I've got an annoying goody-two-shoes that points out my every flaw, mistake, or deviation from a rule, and a biker chick in leathers cheering on my impulsive nature to just go with it. I know you can picture it.

I think of the pre-transformation Sandy from Grease for the goody-two-shoes—I can’t help it. And I think of Maleficent as the biker chick. Neither is all good or all bad. Sandy might think following the rule is the only way, but what if that rule betrays my values? Maleficent might encourage me to go out of my comfort zone — and isn’t that where we grow?

Let me tell you a little story.
OK fine, with me, you already know it’s gonna be a long story with several side quests, detours, and of course, we’re taking the scenic route.

The Fight I Didn't Prepare For

Saturday, I went to support my friend Nadia at her first-ever boxing match. I had pulled out of the event weeks prior (they didn’t match me with an opponent), and to be honest, I was a mess. I was sick — sore throat, congestion, fever — and I’d even cancelled my man joining because I was feeling so low. Being a spectator suited me just fine.

And then everything changed.

I was asked to step into a sparring bout to open the event because some fighters didn’t pitch. I had no gear, I hadn't been training much lately, I was at my full "walking weight," and I’d had McDonald's for lunch. In every sense of the word, I was NOT ready.

Maleficent didn’t need much coercion, and soon I was wearing borrowed gear and flat-soled Pumas that meant I would be flat-footed in the ring. My fever kept me so sweaty I was leaving a puddle in my plastic chair — and no, I wasn't peeing myself.

When her first punch landed, I knew we were definitely not sparring. I had to match effort with effort. I was slower than her — remember I was sick, flat-footed, and not in form — but I gave as good as I got.

Redefining the Win

Did I win the fight? No. Did she? Well, she’s an amateur heading for Nationals. You tell me if she really won.

I’m super proud of myself because I gave the best I could considering the circumstances. My anxiety is usually through the roof, and prepping for a fight for weeks gives that monster time to overthink EVERYTHING. Maybe just going in there with no time to think about it was what I needed to let that go. Now I can’t imagine being anxious for the next fight because I know what I’m capable of even at my worst.

And let’s be clear. Losing isn’t failure. It’s just not winning. I didn’t fail. I showed up. I showed my skills. And most importantly, I didn’t shame myself. I won't always win, but I won't fail either because I don’t do anything halfway. Giving it a go is better than never having tried.

Unpredictable and Intact

An ex once said he couldn’t trust me because I was unpredictable. To him, I needed to be exactly the same day after day— same likes/dislikes, same opinions, same mood. There was no room for changing my mind or feeling things one way or another, and definitely no growth. But if I’m still the same person I was yesterday, what did I learn?

Sure, the fundamentals like values remain intact, but they also expand with life experience. We learn what betrays those values. I have changed so much since a year ago, on this healing journey, and I would never want to stay the same. I want to keep listening to Maleficent because she’s the fun one. I want to be unpredictable until my last breath because there should never be a moment where I settle into autopilot. I am the driver.

What I’ve mostly learned is that we can’t shame ourselves. Shame is an evil that society has taught us to bear when we’re not conforming. I will not carry a sentence that only reflects others’ fears. Will I cringe? Absofuckinglutely. But I will not bear shame for being brave, or vulnerable, or scared.

The Toddler Ignorance

I’m consciously reprogramming my default settings. But removing limiting beliefs isn’t an overnight deployment; there are many updates to go. At least we’re heading in the right direction.

We have to go back to that toddler-level ignorance where we don’t know our limitations so we just give it a go. My granddaughter carried a 4kg bag of cat food around the lounge within a few weeks of starting to walk because no one told her she couldn't. Why do we say "I can't" instead of just trying another way?

I want to figure out that formula — how to tap into that "unstoppable" mindset as a default. For now, it’s a conscious checklist.

My tips?

1. Be impulsive AF. That’s where the most fun happens.
2. The Checklist: If you’re cautious, ask: Do you have the training? The strength? The knowledge? If it’s yes to all three, there is no reason to set a limitation. Do it.